𝖮𝖯𝖤𝖭 —

[wrests]

pics, starters, texts, overflow.

Comments

[overplayed]

the only thing i am guilty of if one can be guilty of such a thing is being too good of a friend to let his friend waste the best years of his life on a woman with cascading raven hair and a perfect hourglass figure but a nasty nasty temper
but if the details must be shared

( .... the little speech bubble indicating that jaskier is typing appears for a suspiciously long time )

the night before last geralt and i were at a bar
i was of course was adding a general liveliness to the atmosphere while he was imbibing his weight of beer and becoming surlier by the moment
then of course the witch in question had to show herself beguiling and as beautiful as ever
and poor geralt could not help but stare lovelorn and helpless at her over the rim of his glass
what was i to do suggest that they they reconcile and rekindle their more off than on romance and bring suffering to all
of course not a friend would never do such a thing
sensibly i found the second most beautiful woman at the bar and convinced her that what she sorely needed was a night with the white wolf himself and she would leave his bed sore and stumbling with a new perspective on life
she and geralt hit it off quite nicely after that and it was when she was feeling his biceps i felt a shiver run down my spine and a devilish set of eyes on my back
and for what crime
wingmanning????
this time she has stepped severely out of line and has used her powers to rob the good patrons of the subway of their favorite form of entertainment

1/2

[wrests]

wingmanning?
you perform in sandwich shops now?

2/2

[wrests]

( anyway, )

from her point of view you did commit a crime by interfering with her love life and now you pay the price
not saying its fair
how does geralt feel about this?

[overplayed]

no no no
wingmanning is the gracious and often thankless act of talking up your companion to a potential love interest man woman entity or otherwise so they may view them in their best haloed light
i’m not allowed in the local sandwich shops anyway
something about sticky hands and bread in pockets

( ANYWAY... )

geralt is worse than unhelpful he is amused
he does not appreciate the sound of my voice on a normal day
and likens it to a hot pocket that has taken too many turns in the microwave
busted and fillingless
all air and no substance

[wrests]

good steal from sandwich shops
they're overpriced and low quality

i thought it sounds like a frog with a sour throat

[overplayed]

you
you know what i think about that callous remark

( there’s a voice message attached that when played sounds the infernal screaming he has been unjustly cursed with, loud and terrible, and like the gates of hell themselves have opened. )

[wrests]

add a guitar and aggressive drums this wouldn't sound too dissimilar to what plays in warehouses in berlin or oslo
you could move to death metal

[overplayed]

well shall i just pack up my belongings in a checkered blanket
attach that blanket to a stick and set out for berlin
i can spend my mornings putting on layers and layers of white facepaint to mime for spare change at the brandenburg gate
and at night i can add some eyeliner find a nice warehouse and use my demonic voice to burst the eardrums of a cheering throng of headbangers

and then maybe once they have all cleared the warehouse floor to go home and have blood leak from their ears onto their pillowcases i could find a spare moment to lay on the concrete and wonder why exactly my dear friend alexei wouldn’t help me break my curse
when that is LITERALLY his JOB

[wrests]

relax
take a deep breath
dramatics won't help

have you apologized to the witch yes or no?

[overplayed]

( a couple minutes later after he has engaged in box breathing, 4-7-8 breathing, the visualization of himself in a nice peaceful meadow surrounded by friendly woodland creatures: )

no

[wrests]

try that
be nice
turn on the charm
that's no problem for you yes?

and if it doesn't work and she turns you into a frog we'll try something else

[overplayed]

yennefer does not find me charming
she takes whatever i say churns it around in her head and construes it as insult
i could say lovely evening we’re having yennefer and she’d look at me like i’ve just puked on her manolos
which i would never do because i respect craftsmanship in footwear

( WELL AWARE THAT THIS IS ABSOLUTE PATHETIC MAN BEHAVIOR— ) can’t you speak to her and intercede on my behalf
perhaps say that unjust cursing is against the law and that there will be dire consequences if she does not lift mine
and that you’ll bust down her door and take her away in magic suppressing handcuffs to be locked up in a tower full of other supernatural criminals where undoubtedly she'll make friends and compatriots in evil 🥺

[wrests]

no no no i will not speak to her

( alexei will only give yennefer curse ideas. )

so be it
i will lock her up in jail and you will be safe
she will plot her revenge
get stronger from exercising all the time
join a gang of evil supernatural criminals and eventually escape and kill you
problem solved

[overplayed]

what is the timeline on this
does she wallow in a sad jumpsuit for years 1 and 2 while exchanging letters with geralt before joining the gang
or does the gang leader spot her doing squats in the courtyard in the first months and decide she is ripe for recruitment

[wrests]

time works different in magic jail
years pass in there and days here
by the time you feel safe she could already have six pack and new evil friends

[overplayed]

i don’t suppose i get a peek at these glorious prison-forged abdominals before i’m supernaturally brutalized and demons use my entrails as a jump rope

[wrests]

theres no magic jails i was joking

( laugh with him. ha ha ha. )

unless you count those amulets that send people to other dimensions

if you cannot speak to apologize then what about a letter?

[overplayed]

then where do the magic criminals go it not magic jail
do you just give them a little slap on the wrist before they go their merry way

( alexei you’re not funny!! )

a letter does seem to be the reasonable course of action
written word is less open to interpretation especially when well-crafted
and since you have refused to speak to the witch you must assist me in drafting the perfect apology

[wrests]

sure
we give them a little slap on the wrist

( let's not traumatize the poor baby any further. )

you are charming and clever enough to draft the perfect apology yourself
we russians are bad at apologizing
i would make it bad

[overplayed]

i’m sure you’re not as bad as you think
here imagine you have just wounded me with a grievous insult
and my face has crumpled like tissue
and it looks like i may need tissue for the river of tears streaming down my face

what would you say

[wrests]

what grievous insult would wound you to the point of tears

[overplayed]

well for the sake of the scenario let’s imagine you said

julian the greatest gift you have ever given your parents is leaving their household because you existed as a hopeless talentless blight that at every turn provided evidence that disappointment could reach new and exciting heights no one likes you and any tolerance of your presence is merely pity that when sustained will become hatred for you to cut yourself upon like the fool you always have been and always will be

[wrests]

horrible that's horrible
i would never say that
even if you pissed me off

( alexei's loathe language is acts of service, meaning he'll go smash julian's guitar or slash his bike tires. )

is this what you think of yourself?

[overplayed]

no
i believe that i am an immensely talented individual who at the very least is adored by the public
the 20 dollar bill that was dropped into my guitar case last week would be able to attest to that had i not spent it on a very fashionable ring that could very well appear as precious metal from a distance

let me revise:
you merely remarked that my outfit looked to be the result of a dive headfirst into the bargain bin

[wrests]

you see how i dress
i have no reason to insult how anyone else does

would you cry if i accidentally bumped into you and your very fashionable ring fell down a storm drain